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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in cazravix's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, March 30th, 2010
7:49 pm
I had a truly wonderful evening in with Sam last night. I managed to find all his PS2 stuff so he was happy as well, although in the end we didn't spend that long playing on it. We ended up round mine watching two films; Requiem for a dream and Vicky Christina Barcelona. The theme song for Vicky Christina Barcelona is very catchy and it's constantly stuck in my head today :)
Thursday, March 25th, 2010
3:12 am
Basically, Sam is coming home tomorrow, or rather today as it's late in the evening. And I can't wait to use this opportunity to show him where I'm living now. Maybe whisk him away from his parents for a couple of days. It wouldn't be much as I have work pretty much every other day and don't seem to have two off together until 13th April. That kind of sucks but I'm so happy that he'll be so much closer and I can just go down and see him whenever I want :)
People everywhere always say that long distance relationships can't work but they can if you're willing to put in the effort. I mean we've taken quite a chilled attitude towards as we can see each other whenever we want but we've decided less is more in our relationship at the moment.
And I was thinking the other day about how I was getting upset at not having the more romantic side of Sam all the time. I was referring now to the Honeymoon period and now is really the time that people test their realtionship, whether it being moving in together, or living apart. The relationship is now in the comfortable stage where we don't necessarily need to say that we love each other all the time because we just know it.
I've never had more faith in something :)
Friday, March 12th, 2010
1:00 pm
:(
I'm in desperate need of loving :(
Friday, February 19th, 2010
3:38 pm
Fitness
Fitness is a weird thing. People go around chasing it and when do you decide that you're healthy? When you aren't consuming as many cigarettes as you used to and have stopped drinking or when you're out in the gym several hours a day and eating protein shakes?

To me, healthy is when I can go for a run when I feel like it and it doesn't feel like such a strain. Luckily I have a friend that I'm starting to exercise with which always makes things so much better. Someone to talk to along the way makes it feel less like exercise and then the time runs away with you and suddenly you're back to where you set off for the walk. Simple.
12:15 am
Good things come to those who wait...
 I'm glad I stuck it out and waited for Sam to come to his senses. It's definitely made it worth while now as I'm the happiest I've been in ages and we haven't even had a fight yet! And if we were to ever get to the point where we were fighting again, I know I would try to make it better because I just can't stand the thought of him not being able to love me any more. It's a sad thought but it keeps me motivated and on the right track.

I've successfully been accepted to Worcester University and I went to the New Bucks University on Wednesday. It was nice there. I would be getting more money in my bursary, going straight into a house with other nurses (so less distractions from University!) and it has a lovely shopping centre there although that shouldn't really affect my decision at all. The Worcester University was smaller, greener and had the opportunity to go into Halls. Sam thinks that one of the main experiences of uni life is going into the Halls to meet other people. I'm not sure what I want to do at the moment though. I'm sure that once I've weighed up all the pros and cons, I will have a better idea on what I think I would like the most. 

Ideally, I'm looking at university life to be a life experience but not in the sense of meeting random people and getting wasted off of drink and drugs. I know I want to meet people that I will keep in touch with for the rest of my life. I want a deeper level of life experience such as cooking and cleaning for myself as if I already had a house. Not to say that other university students wouldn't get that, I just think I'm ready for that stage now. I'm bored of constant drinking and experimenting.  I mean it's nice to do it sometimes, but not all the time. I think I've grown out of that stage of not caring for myself. I'm eating a lot healthier and I am trying to get exercise in every now and again but I just seem too busy or just fancy a nap.

But I'm off to pick up a work friend from the train station tomorrow so I'm going to sleep now.

Night.  
Saturday, January 30th, 2010
3:15 pm
Valentines write out to Samuel :)


When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continunity; when the only continunity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.

The only real security is not in owning or posessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits - islands, surrounded by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides.

Gift from the sea
Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009
12:58 pm
 I AM HAPPY!
Tuesday, February 24th, 2009
3:49 pm
 Samuel is gay. Fact.
Despite the fact that we have too much sex.
Tuesday, February 17th, 2009
7:04 pm
:(
ARGGHGGHGHGHGH
Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009
10:52 pm
Oh so...
You're giving me a prescription, interesting.
Sunday, February 1st, 2009
6:08 pm
Bring on Tuesday.
Doctors time. I made the appointment. Finally.
Sunday, January 18th, 2009
5:28 pm
Hmm
Helpme.Helpme.Helpme.
Saveme.Saveme.Saveme.

From myself!
Saturday, January 17th, 2009
1:02 pm
Uh oh.
TOO SOON DAMNIT!
Tuesday, December 30th, 2008
2:41 pm
:)
Oh sweet, I'm in such a good mood. I've been filling up my diary that I bought a couple of weeks ago and I can't wait for the new year to start so that I can start filling it up with beautiful quotes and tasks to do etc. It'll help me organise my life and get my priorities right :)
I'm gonna start my revision after I've got changed haha. I've been bumming around in my night clothes still :D

Hope everyone's having a lush day :)
Monday, December 29th, 2008
2:56 pm
I'm just about to head off to go to Jack's. I haven't seen him in absolutely ages and i know he'll make my already big smile even bigger :D This morning has been really surreal. I feel I should be upset because me and my boyfriend broke up yesterday but because of that text he sent me.. I've sort of woken up. Realised that I can't be immature or needy anymore. I have to build myself up to be a really confident person who goes on to enjoy her life rather than trying to struggle against it.

Here's to a new me :)
x
12:50 am
Yet another post
"Look the point is that I think you should sort out the things you're suffering with before we pursue a serious relationship. I want you to be better. It's very trying when you're so hard on yourself. And of course me, because of my infidelity."
I received this message only 5 minutes ago, and it made me wonder. I never really thought about the way I viewed myself poperly before. I can see now why he would've found me hard to handle when I don't know how to handle myself and only now do I realise that the quote "No one can love you until you love yourself". And in a strange way, I've felt this weight lifted off of my shoulders. He wants me to be better. And he still wants to be friends. I can only assume that he and Kate will have a relationship in the near future but if I give myself some tender loving care then maybe I will just turn myself around. Coupled up with exercise because that has scientifically been proven to lift moods through hormones being released from the brain. Plus the exercise will help me feel like I'm losing weight which has always been my ultimate goal. And hopefully, at a new weight, feeling more confident about my body and with scars fading, I will have a new me, a better me, maybe a more attractive me as I'd be more confident?
I need to throw myself out there, get some better grades, feel more confident in my college work and hopefully I'll start taking care of myself more. I'll spend more money on new clothes as I have never got the hang of fashion shopping :) I'll learn too. I'll spend more time with friends, more time walking the dog at Lydiard thinking over my new me plan and hopefully devise more creative ways to give my confidence a boost.
I'll write down lists of what I like about myself and maybe what I would change, and then how I would change it. I would set myself goals that I can aspire to achieve. I will go to uni and create a new exciting life for me rather than wasting away my days saying I'll do it tomorrow.
I'm sorting this out now, and I will change. I will be better and I will have confidence.

I bloody well deserve it and I'll never forget the bad times. Even if it means it would be a motivational push in the right direction.
Sunday, December 28th, 2008
5:53 pm
Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything

When I love you,
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking,
It's the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train when it's too late

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell something that ain't real

Well the truth hurts,
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late (too late)
3:52 pm
She got what she wanted right?
And I hope she's fucking happy now.
1:19 pm
Hair

So I went for a run last night, in the cold and not particularly wearing a lot - a hoodie and some trackie bottoms. I ended up doing nearly 3 miles and had to stop as my chest was wheezing and I felt like I was going to throw up. And now my legs ache and strangely my arms do too, but I think that's from playing on the wii too much. By cutting back on how much I eat (I was eating a fair amount over christmas) and doing this extra exercise, I'm already down to 10 stone again. I'd risen up by 5 pounds over christmas! I felt awful :(
My stomach feels tighter and not as bloated as before, and I strangely don't feel the need to eat so much today. I decided I'm going to cook a medium/large lunch at 2 and then not eat for the rest of the day, and if I feel peckish, I may have an apple or something.
I can't wait to get my hair cut again. It's already cut really short as it is. Considering how long my hair used to be before:


And now it looks similar to this:


Except I've had it cut again recently. It's much shorter at the back, so basically like an inverted bob. I'm not sure why, but whenever something happens where I feel out of control, I always tend to change my hairstyle. And mine just keep getting shorter.. Hm, I did want to grow out the ginger tinge that my hair dye has.

that's all for now. (:
x
Saturday, December 27th, 2008
7:07 pm
Run
I'm going for a run where hopefully my legs burn, my chest hurts and my feet feel like they're bleeding.
I deserve this. Yes, Cara you deserve this because YOU are not good enough.
Fucking lose weight and get some confidence.
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